So, some people may have heard that we are having another baby! I have not posted in so long, but I just have to say what's on my heart, which is that I am so excited and feel so blessed to have this new baby coming (it could be any day now too, because I am 37 weeks).
Why have I not posted about this already?
-I think news tends to get around on its own.
-I don't think that many people read my blog.
-I felt very sick and felt like not doing much for a long time.
-I had some problems during my 1st & 2nd trimester and was worried I might miscarry.
-I had so many emotions that are hard to express about many aspects of our situation.
-I admit a little part of me felt some people would be ashamed of us (because Matt was laid off when we got pregnant).
I just want to be straightforward with everybody that we planned this pregnancy. We tried for this baby.
Last August Matt and I both had similar experiences about a name for a daughter that we would one day have. Neither of us had been thinking of having another baby any time soon. When he told me about a specific name that had been put on his heart for another daughter, I was shocked because the exact same name had been clearly spoken to my heart, literally out of the blue, only a couple days earlier. Suddenly we felt very strongly that we needed to try for another baby soon. Of course, I was wondering if God would have a sense of humor and send us more boys to keep us trying until we finally at last got that baby girl who had been conceived in our hearts already.
So, we were feeling very eager to soon start trying for a baby, but we waited for 2 main reasons: first, because of my health (anemia), and then also because not much later Matt was laid off. Soon, Matt had a good job offer. He was all set to start on the date they told him. And I was no longer anemic! We immediately started trying to get pregnant. The day before he was to start working, he learned the job would not be his after all. I was already pregnant by that time, but I didn't know it yet. I had a positive pregnancy test on Feb 13. I felt both excited and worried at the same time. Because I was so happy to be pregnant and I felt that no matter what, this baby was a blessing, but in my gut was this awful worry that I would get bad reactions from some certain people that had been unsupportive of some of my previous pregnancies. I didn't want to deal with that. I hoped Matt would get another good job offer and that I could just share my news with the world at that point. I told Matt I was pregnant the next day after I took the test, Valentines Day. It was hard for me to wait even that one day to tell him but I wanted it to be a special memory. I made a Valentine from the Baby to Daddy. I know he was happy to hear the news, but I could also sense he was worried about finances, and probably about what a few certain people would think.
That same day when I told Matt the news, I began to have pregnancy complications (bleeding...sorry if that is more than some people may want to hear). I did not go to a doctor, because I did not have insurance anymore and I also knew that if I was going to miscarry (which I've had happen before) that there was nothing a doctor could do to stop miscarriage at that early stage. I basically put myself on bedrest and prayed my heart out. It was a scary time for me.
After 7 weeks of bleeding, from weeks 4 through week 11, I finally went to a doctor. My diagnosis was a large subchorionic tear. Nothing could be done except wait and see if the tear would eventually heal. Thankfully, it did stop when I was between 14-15 weeks pregnant. I began to share my news with some people. But I continued to worry and even had some awful nightmares about losing the baby. I also had awful 24 hour morning sickness that lingered long into my second trimester. And then I got a bad sinus infection! and when it got better I felt like for the first time in months I felt kinda like my normal self. After a few days of feeling okay, a sinus infection started up again and lasted a couple more weeks. It did not help that during much of that time of feeling various sickness, the sun did not shine through the clouds for literally weeks at a time. I felt very gloomy during what I wished to be a wonderful time in my life growing this little person inside me. I was so glad when the clouds finally parted and the grass and trees and flowers started sprouting.
There are some people, even family members, who have not and will not give congratulations to me. Perhaps it is partly because they think one more child is a bad idea right now because of financial or other reasons. (Matt has not had a well-paying job through this whole pregnancy) But we are happy to receive this baby and we know each baby is worth any hardships that may have to be overcome, whether it is financial or physical or emotional trials, all of which we have had through this pregnancy.
Last Saturday, I was able to meet an amazing woman, Gianna Jessen, an abortion survivor. She was born alive even though her mother had an abortion. A woman working at the abortion place called an ambulance and prevented the abortionist from having an opportunity to end her life outside the womb. The abortionist ended up having to sign the birth certificate. She weighed about 2 lbs and has had serious health problems from her mother's choice. She was adopted and has had many hardships but has been such an amazing influence for good. Listening to her speak made me realize even more the importance of what a mother does when she welcomes a baby into her body and into her life. I have always believed that anyway, but seeing Gianna was such an overwhelming confirmation that I do not need to feel apologetic in the least to those who might think I made a bad choice to have a baby in less than ideal circumstances.
I have avoided those people and tried to just feel peace in my life about what we are doing and what we will have to do. But you know what? It feels really sad when it seems some other person thinks my baby's life is not worth that much.
I love each of my children more than words can express. I already love this little baby inside me (and just so you know, the ultrasound tech said this baby is definitely a girl)! We loved her and longed for her even before she was conceived inside me. She may not be valued by some other people in the world, but she is valuable to us. And I'm so excited to hold her in my arms.
.JPG)